Astromoronics

I'd like to shake the hand of whoever designed the Chevy Astrovan... and then plant a good, firm foot in his backside. Don't let the "hood" fool ya. It's just there to laugh at the poor fool who has to try to fix the danged thing. It says, "Look, I'm a hood. You can't get to anything under here, but at least you can lift me up whenever it's time to work on me. People will look at you and think you are really doing something." Yeah, thanks for nuttin'.

No, to work on the van, you have to take off the INTERIOR HOOD.

OK, you think, where are the latches? Oh, but that would be too easy. No, you first have to remove the bolts.

OK, you think, I'll just remove the bolts. Still shouldn't be a problem.

Oh, but first you have to remove the console.

Oooooookay. Well, shouldn't be too hard. Let's see... a bolt here, a bolt there, and another one right about... here. Oh, and one more here. And one here. And... one more... here. OK. Now, pull it off. Uh, yeah, OK let's see... lift here, and tug here, and pull it out and up. No, up and out. And then up again. And now twist and lift. Whew!

Alrighty then. Now pull on the engine cover. Nothing. OK, ah, there's a bolt. And the other one... there. And then one there. And there. Oh, and there. OK. 3/8 for this one, 1/2 on this one, and let's see... 7/16? No, 5/8. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Just how am I supposed to reach that one? I can barely see the danged thing.

Well, it's gotta come out. Hhhhhmmmkmkmkmhhhhhhh. Hukhmmmmmmmkmkmmkmmkmmkmkmkm. Dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it.

Hakhmhkmkhkmkhkmhumkhkmmhuummmkmkkmkkmkkhhkmkhmkkhhkmkhkm.

Whew! OK, now pull. Let's see, no, lift? No. Lift/pull? No. Pull/lift? Hey, it moved. Cool. Wiggle, wiggle. Lift, then pull, then tug, then lift again. I can see the engine now. A little more... now up and over the chai-... over the chai-.. OVER THE CHAI-.

You've gotta be freakin' kidding me! There is no getting this thing over these chairs. You can't twist it, turn it, bend it, lift it, warp it, break it, fold it, beg it, kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it... oh, hehe, sorry. Yeah, that's right. It is not going over the danged front chairs! Fine, I'll work around it.

Let's see now... spark plugs. Ah, there's the wires, let's see, they go down, down, down...

Oh, you have got to be freakin' kidding me! The spark plugs are below the floor board?! But they are also sitting over the stinkin' axle! There is no freakin' room to get your freakin' hand down to the freakin' spark plug! I'll have to get under the danged van, which means - oh, you have got to be freakin' kidding me. Where the @#%#^* is that *#@^# engineer. I've got one angry foot for his -

Oh, hi, dear... Yeah, it's going good. I'll have it fixed for you in no time...