Worst Birthday Gift Idea No. 1 Bar None

Actual Lyrics (I couldn't make this up... I wouldn't dare):

(Spoken, in a very deep, baritone voice)
Hello, Darlin'
Happy Birthday
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away
(Smack! My cheeks would be seriously red already, but it's Conway Twitty, so let's see what he means by this...)

I'd like to take away this suspicion that I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to, Honey, whenever your hand is not in mine
(Oh... that's what he means... here comes that open hand again)

(Sing this part to a beautiful, heartfelt refrain)
Happy birthday, Darlin'
I've no presents; no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
(For real?!)

(Spoken, again, in a serious baritone...)
I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments by spendin' more of mine with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so-so kisses ("so-so kisses"?! Did he just say "so-so kisses?!)
And replace them with ones that really say I love you
And I wanna take away the doubt you sometimes have about my love
(yer kiddin'... doubt? you?)
By showin' more, much more, than I've shown lately

(Ok, here's where it really gets good. After telling her that not only did you forget her birthday, but to make up for it...just read on...)
And then if someone should ask you what I've got you for your birthday
Well, you can say, (and I quote) "Why, he didn't give me anything,
But he sure took a lotta things away."
(And there's the gift... You might as well just drive her to the attorney's office yerself, you stoopid little man!)

(Sing it out loud now for the whole world to hear...)
Happy birthday, Darlin'
I've no presents; no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
(Repeat this again, just in case she's still trying to figure out what you're telling her)

(Now, hold those arms out, cock your head down, and give her that sh**-eating grin, and say, as innocently as you possibly can...)
Happy Birthday, Darlin'
(If she gives you a hug at this point, you've got free rein to do whatever you want, buddy. She ain't going anywhere.)

Wanna listen? Click here. Sit back, and just start shaking your head.

Mrs. The Practicalist has a birthday coming up at the end of this month... hmmmmmmm...

Let me know if you've found anything more stupid than this one.