Barak , for a Change

The Great One hath spoken - and the name he spake is 'Biden'. I am afraid I was asleep as the heavens parted. I am sure when the grand concourses of angels descend upon Mile High for the coronation of His Exhalted One, I shall be in the midst of school, or work, or eating dinner, or watching a movie with the kids, or maybe just sitting in the loo, reading.

There is really no need to watch it. I can tell you how this whole thing will play out:

The entire Mountain West will black out for exactly 45 minutes. This will be the direct result of the simultaneous plugging-in of 42,000 greenmobiles at the exact same time, a moment which will forever be remembered fondly by now-short-haired-hippies and wannabe hipsters, and beard-brandishing-back-to-nature-from-whence-I'm-sure-I-would've-come-had-my-conservative-parents-not-been-multimillionaires-AlGorians as the Great Power Outage of '08. Once power returns, Hillary will announce the official motto of the Demoncratic Party as "Bush Sucks". As the applause dies and the brown smoke begins to clear, Pelosi will then enter the Mile High to announce the official platform of the Demoncratic Party to be as follows:
'1. Change
2. Something about Change
3. Change...something something... Change
4. Let's make some changes
5. Change: Good
6. Department of Change
7. Spare change tax
8. Obama is now God
9. Bush sucks
10. No, change that last one to "Bush Sucks!"

At that point, Ing-Deng-Wang, the UN Secretary General, will rise to declare his support for Obama's campaign for World King.

The Right Reverend Wright will then rise to call upon all within the sound of his voice to take to one knee in humble reverence for Obama Almighty (oh, and to throw off the white yoke of oppression, while we're at it).

Biden will stand and speak for exactly 3 days, 2 hours, and 17 minutes, and still come across as an a$*ho^@.

Then the lights will dim, trumpets will blare, and a chorus of angels will sing His Name, as He Whose Name is Too Worthy for Mere Mortals to Speak enters the great chambers. All will hush and cry as His hand passes over their heads.

He will then address the world, giving them hope that the hour cometh when they shall be delivered from the evils now plagued upon them by this country he unfortunately must call home. He will express appreciation to the freedom fighters who have sacrificed so much for his cause. He will remind Americans of our duty to negotiate with those who strive for our extermination because our mere existence offends their god. Finally, he will remind us all that changety change change change.

And the crowd goes wild!

So saith I.

Arkie, thru and thru?

This is cool. I have added a link to my side bar to a cool website where you can take a 34 Question survey and find out which candidates you match up with. Low and Behold... I got this guy>



That's right... Mike Huckabee, formerly an Arkansas Gubernator.

Looks like he found it a little ironic, too.

Not too far behind him was Fred Thompson. (Down, Bato, Down)

My man Sam B. was right there in the pack, as was Mitt.

As I said... Interesting...

Frighteningly, I agreed with 49% of Joey Biden?!

Algore wasn't even on the list. Whew!

AlGore the Magnificent

So, flipping thru the channels Sunday night (yes, I am a sinner who occasionally watches tv on Sunday, but in this case, it turned out to be appropriate) and hit on C-Span. When who to my wondering eyes should appear, but jolly Father AlGore and his faithful minions preaching the gosthpel of global dethstruction. So I watched. I have often wondered what it would be like to go mindless for a while. Not mindless as in sitting around watching reruns of Hawaii Five-o, but mindless as in lead me oh great and powerful Al, in the path of lefteousness, that I may put my environment and my job and my hemp-woven tie dye before my family and my God.

So, he drivels. And he dravels. And now and then, he drovels. Finally, he announces that here with him, to support him in this great mission to which the mothership has called him, are two great performers... ready?... Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood?!! HOLD ON, I say. Man, that sucks (that they have embraced the gosthpel of Father AlGore), but, hey... free concert... man.

Then, just as they enter the stage...


"We now will take you to the conference on the soft dissolution of Iraq study group, pre-recorded from Thursday. This will last approximately an hour and a half."

Gee, C-Span, its no wonder your ratings suck.

Oops. Gotta run... America's Got Talent (Deficit) is just finishing up and I want to see if it's going to be the gay Russian, or the cross-dressing curly haired lez who acts like a man acting like a girl.

Sheryl Crow Makes Sense

Sheryl Crow is urging the use of only one sheet of toilet paper per visit. Personally, I think this is a grand and practical idea. In addition to saving our planet from global warming by overheated used toilet paper (the friction caused by the wipe generates a significant amount of heat that gets trapped in the fibers), we would also be promoting a healthier and more sanitary environment, as we would be forced to wash our hands and clothes more frequently. We would also avoid social and public congregations, for obvious reasons, further alleviating the environment of the cumulative build up of hot air.

Crow further proposes the removable sleeve, for wiping your mouth during dinner, or your nose during a cold, or your eye after a melee in the mosh pit at a Crow concert. This will alleviate the overuse of throw-away napkins and kleenex. The preservation of germs and viruses will keep people home more often, resulting in decreased productivity, resulting in fewer vehicle and factory emissions, and more time watching indoctrinational daytime talk-shows. (I just wonder what we will use to dab our eyes during the soaps.)

There is an economic advantage behind this innovative toilet paper idea. In a house full of girls, 32.6% of our annual budget goes toward the purchase of this household necessity. No longer would I be interrupted in the middle of Lost by the all-too-familiar phrase "Can someone bring me some toilet paper?!!!"

I heart Algore!

I have a lot of short-sleeved shirts, and a few shorts. My wife put away the kids winter clothes a few weeks ago. I get up in the morning, and think about wearing shorts. But I can't. We had to pull the kids clothes out of storage. I found myself running late because I had to scrape the windshield. My car doesn't like to start in the cold. We have to run the heater at night to keep the girls healthy. There is talk of snow coming in this weekend. It didn't happen last weekend, but it was possible, then, too.

Why the sudden and strange cold weather? I guess Algore and his minions have done too good of a job. It turns out that Algore's jet, which we all (me included) mocked as being a little counter-productive to his message, actually had been modified to "de-burn" jet fuel, thus expelling cold gases. By zipping all over the world to promote his Nobel candidacy along with a little video about massive world destruction, he has actually been offsetting the exorbitant amounts of heat being generated by cattle ranchers, oil drillers, and Imus in the Morning. And his mansion, by burning more natural gas than a small country, like, say, India, has actually been ridding the world of this natural gas.

Apparently, though, this compacted burn has inadvertently created a vacuum in Central Tennessee, which has resulted in a suction of Arctic air pulling snow into New England, and, well, nobody really knows about the rest of the country that is not New England, so we can only speculate that it has gotten spread across the red states, as well.Personally, I like the cold weather, so I am now a big fan of Mr. gore, and I think we can all breath a sigh of relief. Just not all at once, since that would put too much hot air into the atmosphere, causing the global warming phenomenon that used to be called "summer".

Cheap kicks

OK. In case you haven't noticed (the three of you who actually look at my site), I have stayed away from politics for a while. That is partly because I have other important things going on, like samokin' meats, and other stuff (school, work, fixing the stupid van, spending time with the family, shooing flies, watching grass grow, and so on). I happened to glance at Chris Matthews (has anyone else noticed he's starting to look less round and more decrepit?)











(Just kidding!)




(Here's the real comparison.)






and just couldn't stomach the blatant group kickfest at the expense of the president. Republicans may have been incompetent, but at they weren't dangerous. Dems just seem to be there to play the game. Listen to the words being spewed by any one of them, and you will find very little that has to do with the reality of whatever situation they are addressing. Rather, you will find carefully chosen and timed phrases that do nothing more than give either the party or the person, or sometimes the idea, a crafted edge in a political game. I have a hard time seeing how anything they say has any basis in actual public policy. Think about it. The "little guy" gets mentioned all the time, but never benefits from any of the talk. The Dems have done nothing for the "little guy" (oh yeah, there was the raise to give three people in all of America their first raise in ten years).

I couldn't take it. But don't worry. Once my life settles back down to absolute doldrum, I'll start paying attention again. In the meantime, go Romney!

I do love Algore, though. Who couldn't? He's a big geeky looking teddy bear of a man with a lisp whose fur has been all rubbed into annoying little balls from getting kicked across the floor, and who travels the country in his own private jet to get the rest of us to quit using our private jets or face a future of continual swimwear. Give the man a Nobel Prize (that'll shut him up).

Rember the joke about...

Air conditioner salesmen in Alaska?

No, really.

The Inuit (Eskimos, as we called them in my day) are buying air conditioners! I'd like to shake that guys hand (except that it was probably Gore, so can I just pass on the hand shaking?).

According to Mr. Alister Doyle of Reuters, Monday, Aug 7, it is apparently so warm in Alaska that the Eskimos need an air conditioner. Reaching highs of 88, those fellows just can't stand it any longer. Check it out at this address:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060807/sc_nm/environment_warming_dc

In case it doesn't work, let me quote a little here:

"Better known for building igloos during hunts on the polar ice, Inuit in the village of Kuujjuaq in Quebec, Canada, are installing 10 air conditioners for about 25 office workers.
"These are the times when the far north has to have air conditioners now to function," said Sheila Watt-Cloutier, a leading campaigner for the rights of 155,000 Inuit in Canada, Alaska, Russia and Greenland.
"Our Arctic homes are made to be airtight for the cold and do not 'breathe' well in the heat with this warming trend," she said. Temperatures in Kuujjuaq, home to 2,000 people, hit 31 Celsius (88 Fahrenheit) in late July."

Mr. Alyster Doyle uses this as an example of the impending doom that is global warming. Also, there is some reference to my dear mission country of Norway, where some poor vendor is complaining about selling ice cream... or not selling ice cream today because... it is raining.

"Today we've sold almost nothing," said Miriam Eid Bergan, 20, working at an ice cream parlor in Oslo's main street and looking out the window as people hurried past in the rain. "When it's sunny the queue can stretch down the street."

Uh, am I missing something here? Who buys ice cream in the rain, anyway? So, is the fact that it is raining in Oslo the oh-so-sought-after hard evidence that SUV drivers in Texas are causing global warming? It seems I saw a few showers myself when I was there, and that was before the day of the SUV.

Well, not to spoil the ending to this story, but...

maybe the Eskimos didn't necessarily buy the a/c's for the cool air. Mr. Eskimo-Inuit-American-Canadian admits, down there at the bottom of the page, that they bought them more to keep the dust from coming in the open windows and getting all over their nice, new computers.

"Larry Watt, mayor of Kuujjuaq, said one reason for ordering air conditioners was to stop dust from outside blowing into computers. Before the municipality owned computers, the windows could be kept open in hot weather."

And as for Mr. Oslonian and his ice cream stand, it appears he purgered himself when he claimed to have such a long line on sunny days.

"And Bergan in the ice cream shop in Oslo said: "People are buying fewer ice creams here than five years ago ... Maybe they're buying somewhere else or they worry about eating so much sugar."

See, he, too, admits that maybe he overstated his position a little bit, and in the interest of full disclosure, people are really not buying his ice cream, because they don't like the sugar? or maybe they are buying it elsewhere? Or maybe they don't think it's quite hot enough to buy ice cream. Or maybe they don't buy from you because maybe you're a liar? Or maybe they have finally up and moved to America where we can still buy SUV's (if we want).

Or perhaps, they are on business trips... to sell air conditioners to the Eskimos.

Greenpeace gone bad? Huh

My wife and I were watching "Without A Trace" on CBS last night. Interesting plot. Boy gets kidnapped. Parents are asked if they have any enemies. Dad: none that he knows of; Mom: lots of them. She is lobbyist for the petroleum industry. OK. That's a start. So have you been getting any threats, lately? Tons every day, she replies. Any violent environmentalist groups? Well, there is this one...

Awww, I hate it when you can so easily eliminate a suspect on these shows, not by any of the usual deductive methods that one would logically use if one were a real detective, but just from knowing how Hollywood works.

See, in the real world, such an extreme environmentalist group might actually be capable of such a horrific act. Trust me, I just read a whole bunch of responses to AlGore's Yahoo-Answers question. (Yeah, Gore, who I thought was soooo smart as to invent such things as the internet and time travel, doesn't even know how to keep the sun from fluctuating it's temperatures to stop this global warming trend that is going is going to kill us all tomor---









Ha gotcha. No, he posed a question online about how to best attack all us non-believers - presumably in a figurative way - and got a whole laundry list of mindless zombies, some of them quite aggravated at me.)

Anyway, I asked my wife what the chances were that this environmentalist group had anything to do with the boy's abduction. She just gave me that 'yeah, right!' look. So we then began speculating about who is actually going to get blamed for this and determined that it is either some right wing petroleum group trying to protect themselves since this lobbyist is probably actually going Benedict Arnold on them, or some business-type people upset with the minimum wage increase and the effects it will have on their roughnecks.

We were close. It turns out the Dad was going turncoat on his pharmaceuticals company, and that made some pro-business people (who of course must be wackier than any hey-dude-greenpeace wacko) very uncomfortable.

Suprise, suprise.

Thanks, Hollywood, for another unexpected twist!

Impatient Hacker

Because I am too cheap to set up my own wireless network, I am forced to rely on the kindness of strangers. Most of them, however, have me locked out, and after about two... thousand random mixes of letters and numbers, I have yet to open one of them. However, one beautiful soul, whom I have never met, occasionally pops up on my list with an unlocked network. Kind of exciting. I don't know whether I should even be writing about this. I don't want Al Gore knocking on my door and giving me noogies with his burly beard and then lecturing me about my body heat melting the polar ice caps and wondering why I do not go into hibernation like the groundhog.

Having said all that nice stuff about this anonymous superhighway donor, I sure wish she (I think it's a she... Al, do you know?) would get a little more power. Jeez, it's like watching molasses grow (or grass in January, maybe)!