You Did Not Just Say That

WalMart is in town!

I love their stockholders meeting. Walmart stockholders are not your typical rich and sophisticated crowd, unless your typical rich and sophisticated crowd wears halter tops and 80's hairdo's. These folks are the cream of the earth, though. They are the nicest folks.

Every year, Walmart selects one or two associates from each store and flies them into Fayetteville, Arkansas to live in vacated school dorm rooms, watch free concerts (with big name talent... Carrie Underwood, Hall and Oates, Foreigner, Sugarland, Brad Paisley, and Daughtry, to name a few), and get a year's supply of free samples from Walmart vendors. And every year, I get to drive in multiple circles getting these people from their dorms to the concert and dining hall and back. I really do enjoy it, and everyone is very courteous and very happy to be here.

So, tonight, I'm driving a big 40 foot transit bus, heading west. I am in the process of turning south. As I am in the intersection, a man runs up to me, waving me down. Because he is directly in front of my giant bus, and because I don't feel like getting buried in the mounds of paperwork that would surely follow my squashing this fellow, I decide I better stop... in the middle of the intersection... with cars trying to get around me. I open the door and motion for him to hurry and jump on. He doesn't. Instead, he stands there...

and patiently asks,


as he is pointing in the direction I just came from,


"Are you headed that way?"

Random Thoughts, Part I

There is a big trend on Facebook to list 25 random things about yourself. In that spirit, I include a few random thoughts of my own:

1. Another reason to be a Democrat: free pass on tax cheating (e.g., Tom Daschle and that other guy nominated to head the Treasury department). It looks like Obama can't find an honest Democrat and has had to start looking on the Republican side for cabinet members.

2. Maybe, instead of borrowing money just to give it away, in an effort to stimulate the economy, we could just pass some great big tax cuts, especially on corporations and stocks, then borrow whatever shortfall we end up with. I'll bet it won't approach ONE TRILLION DOLLARS.

3. I just laughed at a guy whose cell phone went off in class, only to have mine go off shortly thereafter.

4. My sweetheart cheered for Arizona because they wore red, and she likes red. I think that was pretty cool, since I was cheering for Arizona, too. I thought it was because I liked Kurt Warner, but I think it was because they were wearing red... and I like red.

5. I was disappointed at the umpiring during the Super Bowl. Harrison got his 100 yard touchdown with the aid of an uncalled holding.

6. I was hoping for a Cardinals win, but either team deserved it. They both played well. It was a great second half.

7. My wife is into sewing now. She is really picking it up fast and making some really cool things. She does a great job. I love watching her. It reminds me of when I used to watch my mom, only my mom would take up every available space and would stretch out the project for weeks on end.

8. While I hope that Obama becomes a good president, I hope that he fails with his ideas as they now stand and as they were promised during his election. He can be a good president by paying more attention to practical and conservative ideas.

9. I wish Republicans would pull their heads out and stand on their principles and quit worrying about re-election.

D@#%^*!

The dangers of auto-fill.

As I was walking out the door today, Mrs. The Practicalist sweetly reminded me that she really loved me... no matter what I saw today... on the internet... on my blogsite.

Now, if that didn't raise my eyebrows... and suspicions.

So, I naturally had to waste company time to peruse the internet to see what kind of trouble she got me in.

Just look below, at that last post. That is obviously not my writing. I love my wife (as my old momma used to say, God Bless Her), but anyone who knows me knows...

Wednesdays are set aside for the Sound of Music!

Good thing nobody ever reads this thing.

(ikinya2babe! Now get off my blog site!)

Alpha and Omega, but more Omega than Alpha

The Book of Barak

Chapter 1

1. And on the Two million two hundred eighty one thousandth and first day, was Barak created.
2. And thus was he seen as alright.
3. And thus was it said that Barak has been created.
4. And thus was it said that in this Barak is given all wisdom, knowledge, and celebrity status
5. Yea, he shall lead his people, and shall show them the error of my ways
6. And the mantle of the world shall be upon his shoulders, and his fuzzy little head
7. And he shall be called negotiator and community organizer
8. Yea, verily, and even shall he be called presidential nominee
9. For many shall celebrate him, and shall faint at his presence
10. He shall proclaim, behold!
11. And as they behold, they shall hear his chants of change
12. Yea, the children of the world shall hear such chants, and shall give wonder at the meaning of these chants
13. Nevertheless, notwithstanding such wonderings, they shall say what meaneth these changing chants of change, which chants I like, albeit I know not why
14. Verily, let us go down from the mountains, and from the hills and the valleys, and the organized communities
15. Yea, let us go down to this community organizer who chants for change
16. Verily, let us chant with him for change, even to the chanting of change
17. Let us touch the very television screen from which his chants of change emanate, that perchance we might feel of this change of which he chants
18. Behold and yea, let us lift him even unto the seat of the president, and proclaim his diety to those unbelieving of the elephant persuasion; yeah even before the houses of government
19. Yea, let us paint the lips of swine
20. Yeah, let us sit with those who seek to destroy us, that we might console our souls with such sittings
21. Yea, let us raise taxes unto he who chants change, that we might bring low those who do actually create change.
22. And on the next day, well...

The Story of My Life

I thought today I would share a little about myself... you know, kind of a "This is Your Life" sort of a thing. So sit back and enjoy.


Let me start with the man who made all this possible... My Dad.

He was a typical teenager of the 50's... clean cut, sharp mustachio, smart, and of course, very handsome.

Hi, Dad.



It was no surprise to anyone that he would fall for the science fair beauty queen.










I, of course, came about through some miracle yet to be explained to me, in 1970.

Mom and Dad were so excited to have me!

Mom jokes that it was like pooping an elephant...

Isn't that sweet?









The 70's were a time of experimenting. I did my share.

First, I experimented with smoooooth and slick.

Then came the Brady Experiment...




The Mat seemed pretty groovin'...



But I finally cleaned it up a bit with a nice, soft Feather.


The Big Hair bands really touched me...



and I really dug Steve Perry... (Highway Run...sigh)


But I eventually had to clean it back up.



Following in the footsteps of my dear old Dad, I found the love of my life.




You know what they say about marriage...

Boy, did I pack it on!


I finally got myself put back together,

settled in,

and had few kids.



Life's been good.

If you want to have a little fun, try this site.

Worst Birthday Gift Idea No. 1 Bar None

Actual Lyrics (I couldn't make this up... I wouldn't dare):

(Spoken, in a very deep, baritone voice)
Hello, Darlin'
Happy Birthday
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away
(Smack! My cheeks would be seriously red already, but it's Conway Twitty, so let's see what he means by this...)

I'd like to take away this suspicion that I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to, Honey, whenever your hand is not in mine
(Oh... that's what he means... here comes that open hand again)

(Sing this part to a beautiful, heartfelt refrain)
Happy birthday, Darlin'
I've no presents; no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
(For real?!)

(Spoken, again, in a serious baritone...)
I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments by spendin' more of mine with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so-so kisses ("so-so kisses"?! Did he just say "so-so kisses?!)
And replace them with ones that really say I love you
And I wanna take away the doubt you sometimes have about my love
(yer kiddin'... doubt? you?)
By showin' more, much more, than I've shown lately

(Ok, here's where it really gets good. After telling her that not only did you forget her birthday, but to make up for it...just read on...)
And then if someone should ask you what I've got you for your birthday
Well, you can say, (and I quote) "Why, he didn't give me anything,
But he sure took a lotta things away."
(And there's the gift... You might as well just drive her to the attorney's office yerself, you stoopid little man!)

(Sing it out loud now for the whole world to hear...)
Happy birthday, Darlin'
I've no presents; no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
(Repeat this again, just in case she's still trying to figure out what you're telling her)

(Now, hold those arms out, cock your head down, and give her that sh**-eating grin, and say, as innocently as you possibly can...)
Happy Birthday, Darlin'
(If she gives you a hug at this point, you've got free rein to do whatever you want, buddy. She ain't going anywhere.)

Wanna listen? Click here. Sit back, and just start shaking your head.

Mrs. The Practicalist has a birthday coming up at the end of this month... hmmmmmmm...

Let me know if you've found anything more stupid than this one.

Hell is Getting More Crowded All the Time

Gotta love Huckabee. When he first started running for office, a lady asked him, "Are you one of those narrow-minded Baptist ministers who think only Baptists will go to heaven?" He replies, "Actually I'm more narrow than that. I don't think all the Baptists are going to make it."

Sorry 'bout being out of the loop. The semester is winding down, and the pressure is ratcheting up. But, I thought you might be interested in this article. The Huckster just might be someone to watch.

...and Wiser, too?

It's my birthday today. My sweetheart won't let me forget this sad reminder of my gradual demise. She even linked to me so all her blogger buddies could leave me birthday wishes. So I figured I'd better create a post to receive those greetings.

Turning another year is not so bad, though. Although my body is more than happy to comply with the requirements of aging, my mind still thinks I'm in my early 20's. It also thinks I still look as good (poor sap). I sometimes wish it was the other way -- a 37 year old mind in a 20-something year old body. Now wouldn't that be nice! I suppose I do have control over both situations (or I did, anyway). Had I properly nurtured both, I probably would have both.
But to think of all the buttery mashed potatoes, pumpkin pies, samoked ribs, pulled pork, homemade truffles, and Taco Bell I would have missed out on. I'm not doin' so bad, all things considered.

In any case, I am what I am. What a great thing to be! And if I say so myself, "Happy Everyday to me!"

(That is from a Dr. Seuss book, I believe it's "Oh, the Places You'll Go". That Dr. Seuss, That Dr. Seuss. I do so like that Dr. Seuss.)

You're WHERE?!

If you're not into bathroom humor... don't worry. This isn't that bad.



So, I walk into this bathroom, and from the stall, I hear this:

"Hey, Man."

Was he talking to me?

"You doin' all right?"

Uhhh...


That's when it hit me. He's on a cell phone...




sitting on the pot...




And then (here comes the punch line, sitting on the pot, talking on the phone)...




"Did I catch you at a bad time?"

No Offense to Osama...

But I'd have to say that, while your little speech delivered from Chamber 16 of Cave 321b, in the barren rocks of Northern Pakistan, gave us much to blog about, it did little in the way of intimidation. See, I am sitting in my soft leather sofa, watching the Cowboys take on the Giants, in a 77 degree air conditioned living room, having just recently come in from a leisurely 50 mile drive around the beautiful green hills of NW Arkansas. I was able to enjoy another Sunday contemplating my relationship with God, and enjoying the companionship of my wife and children.

And while you may consider yourself somewhat of a leader, exercising loose control over a ragtag bunch of hate-filled naive footsoldiers who skank around in the shadows because they know they'd get their butts kicked in any sort of physical matchup with a real American, I can sleep tonight knowing there are thousands of honorable men and women whose strength comes from service as they willingly defend my ability to evaluate the merits of your invitation to convert to your religion, and confidently decline said invite.

John Kerry is certain that I am insulted that you are still able to make such a video. John Kerry is a moron, who is insulted that you did not mention him by name.

So, Mr. bin, while we are having this little dialogue, let me extend this invitation to you. You are hereby cordially invited to get down on your knees and kiss my [insert body part here (I'll say Big Toe)].

Toodles.

p.s. If this little message offends you or your followers, please reference the previous paragraph.

I'm a Dhimmi, He's Dhimmi, Wouldncha Like to Be a Dhimmi, Too

Captain's Quarters has a rather succinct summary of Osama Helpme GetLaden's latest request for America's surrender.
It seems like the Democrats can't even deliver when it comes to surrender. How can they expect to run the most powerful country on earth?

This is the first time I have heard the word Dhimmi, but it's kinda catchy, don't ya think.
I'm not sure just exactly what it means, but it seems like something Herr Osama wants us to become.
Could you see me as a Dhimmi? I wonder where you would put that on a resume.

Impeach Clinton

Take a look at this opinion in the Arkansas Traveler (U of A newspaper).

I agree with the writer. I think Bush should be impeached... along with Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, Laura, Jenna, John Roberts, and Bill Gates. And just for good measure, I'm in the process of writing up articles of impeachment against Mitt Romney, John McCain, and the Rudster. But since neither of them have been crowned king apparent by the MSM, I think it is time we begin preparing proceedings against Hillary, as well. In fact, in a sense, I am hoping she wins. That way we can all just recycle our old "Impeach Clinton" bumper stickers. Only this time, they will be a little more appropriate, what with the "and her husband, too" punchline.

Four Weddings and a Funeral

Y'know, it's hard enough to get thru a conversation about living in Arkansas without discussing the legalities of marrying one's cousin, which then gets the old "I am my own uncle" joke. (See the musical selections next door.) Now, we get to answer questions about baby brides, as well.

As the father of four girls, it's been tempting to pawn them off to anyone who will take them. I better be careful about that, now. I just might get taken up on the offer.

The Cat's Meow

I would normally explain a link to someone else's post, but this one speaks for itself. Just read... but swallow whatever you've got in your mouth first.

A Man for all Women

So, I'm listening to NPR as they discuss the latest Demo Bros Three-Ring Debate. Hillary, who has hand crafted her own voting bloc of female hitmen to "get the word out", proclaimed herself to be the voice of women who have successfully sacrificed their own families for their careers. Suddenly, Johnny Ed quickly declared that he had already claimed said title, had a copyright on it, and would sue her if she did not take it back.

His wife backed him up on it. "Look at him," argues Mrs. Ed, "he looks more like a woman than Hillary could ever dream to be."

She then held up this poster, marked "Exhibit A".






"Oh, Yeah?!" retorted Hillary, in a moment of temporary sanity. "But can you do...


THIS?!"

I'll mark it "Exhibit B--".

Gotta Love Sam

Bless his heart.

Have you ever stepped in something that just wouldn't come off your shoe? So did Brownback. Poor guy.

I like Sam. I don't think he has the campaign elements for a sustainable run at the White House this time around. I wouldn't mind it if he did. He's genuine, very conservative, and seems to have a good head on his shoulders.

This story isn't a slam on the guy. Read it, and see if you don't just love him by the time he's through.

Sheryl Crow Makes Sense

Sheryl Crow is urging the use of only one sheet of toilet paper per visit. Personally, I think this is a grand and practical idea. In addition to saving our planet from global warming by overheated used toilet paper (the friction caused by the wipe generates a significant amount of heat that gets trapped in the fibers), we would also be promoting a healthier and more sanitary environment, as we would be forced to wash our hands and clothes more frequently. We would also avoid social and public congregations, for obvious reasons, further alleviating the environment of the cumulative build up of hot air.

Crow further proposes the removable sleeve, for wiping your mouth during dinner, or your nose during a cold, or your eye after a melee in the mosh pit at a Crow concert. This will alleviate the overuse of throw-away napkins and kleenex. The preservation of germs and viruses will keep people home more often, resulting in decreased productivity, resulting in fewer vehicle and factory emissions, and more time watching indoctrinational daytime talk-shows. (I just wonder what we will use to dab our eyes during the soaps.)

There is an economic advantage behind this innovative toilet paper idea. In a house full of girls, 32.6% of our annual budget goes toward the purchase of this household necessity. No longer would I be interrupted in the middle of Lost by the all-too-familiar phrase "Can someone bring me some toilet paper?!!!"

I Deliver!

I searched and searched. At first, all I could find was a hippo in a bikini...




But I knew that would not be enough for my devoted readers. So I kept searching, thru hundreds of disturbing pictures, to find this...





A monkey in a hula skirt (with a bikini top?)










Something told me this still wouldn't be enough for Big Mac, so I continued on my virtual safari. I finally found...












Are you happy now?!

Thanks, I think I'll go take a shower.

I love my wife!

My wife is awesome! She has really taken to this wave of reality shows, exposing me, in the process, to a wide world of diverse tastes and talents. But never have I appreciated this fascination as fully as I did this week.

Dancing w/ the Stars is a show about precision, technique, and talent. The idea is to take fading celebrities, some of whom you would probably never remember as having existed, and pay them to learn to dance. They work hard all week, and then perform on Monday night. This season has been rather uneventful. In fact, I was wondering if any of them were even taking this job seriously. So were the judges. Clyde the Jolly Green Giant seemed more concerned with scheduling tee times than whirling hips and throwing small ladies around.

Mr. Achy Breaky appears ached and breaked.

The former Mrs. McCartney's leg landed her on her buttocks.


Just as I was beginning to lose all hope, and start washing dishes...



Apollo and the Tiger Lady.








and...





and then...



Now, who couldn't appreciate fine ballroom dancing?

Thanks, Sweetheart!

Perfect Timing

I love cell phones. I just don't like mine. The pictures are basically blue and white, and if you squint just right, you can sort of see Elvis. My cell phone likes to do things on its own, like run out of juice in the middle of the day, and freeze up when you turn it on. Most annoying, though, is it's nefarious trick I like to call (for lack of a better term) "switch-off-silent-mode-when-you're-not-looking".

This is a pretty cool trick, I must admit. Yesterday, my professor was going on about when one can or cannot take an immediate appeal before all judgments are final at the trial court level. He paused to see if we had any questions. Of course, we all kept our questions to ourselves, so he said, "OK, then. I'll move on."

Suddenly, at that very moment, the angels sang. "HALLelujah! HALLelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, HalLEeeeelujah!"

My wife was calling.

Love those ringtones!