If you're not into bathroom humor... don't worry. This isn't that bad.
So, I walk into this bathroom, and from the stall, I hear this:
"Hey, Man."
Was he talking to me?
"You doin' all right?"
Uhhh...
That's when it hit me. He's on a cell phone...
sitting on the pot...
And then (here comes the punch line, sitting on the pot, talking on the phone)...
"Did I catch you at a bad time?"
But I'd have to say that, while your little speech delivered from Chamber 16 of Cave 321b, in the barren rocks of Northern Pakistan, gave us much to blog about, it did little in the way of intimidation. See, I am sitting in my soft leather sofa, watching the Cowboys take on the Giants, in a 77 degree air conditioned living room, having just recently come in from a leisurely 50 mile drive around the beautiful green hills of NW Arkansas. I was able to enjoy another Sunday contemplating my relationship with God, and enjoying the companionship of my wife and children.
And while you may consider yourself somewhat of a leader, exercising loose control over a ragtag bunch of hate-filled naive footsoldiers who skank around in the shadows because they know they'd get their butts kicked in any sort of physical matchup with a real American, I can sleep tonight knowing there are thousands of honorable men and women whose strength comes from service as they willingly defend my ability to evaluate the merits of your invitation to convert to your religion, and confidently decline said invite.
John Kerry is certain that I am insulted that you are still able to make such a video. John Kerry is a moron, who is insulted that you did not mention him by name.
So, Mr. bin, while we are having this little dialogue, let me extend this invitation to you. You are hereby cordially invited to get down on your knees and kiss my [insert body part here (I'll say Big Toe)].
Toodles.
p.s. If this little message offends you or your followers, please reference the previous paragraph.
Some stories just combine elements to form the perfect pun. Take this one, for example:
Hillary, Obama, Brill Boy Johnny Ed, and the ragtag groupies of the AFL-CIO all conversed on Soldier Field in Chicago. All of them claiming to be the voice of the "working man", as unionists like to call themselves (although whether that actually constitutes a misnomer is still up for debate). Two of them clamoring for a reference to the beloved Bears, on whose grass they have trodden to pander, pander, pander. (You see the pun now? 'Pander'...'Bears'... huh? huh? Aw, c'mon, I thought it was good.)
And pander they did. With no real plans to set forth to improve conditions, they instead praised the renovation of the great stadium in which they stood, for the jobs it created. While I have not seen a transcript of these references, I feel quite confident that they did not credit the businessmen whose vision and money funded said renovations. I'm sure, however, that they did call attention to those workers who were not permitted to even bid on the project, as they decided to not pay dues to the AFL-CIO gestapo.
I love cell phones. I just don't like mine. The pictures are basically blue and white, and if you squint just right, you can sort of see Elvis. My cell phone likes to do things on its own, like run out of juice in the middle of the day, and freeze up when you turn it on. Most annoying, though, is it's nefarious trick I like to call (for lack of a better term) "switch-off-silent-mode-when-you're-not-looking".
This is a pretty cool trick, I must admit. Yesterday, my professor was going on about when one can or cannot take an immediate appeal before all judgments are final at the trial court level. He paused to see if we had any questions. Of course, we all kept our questions to ourselves, so he said, "OK, then. I'll move on."
Suddenly, at that very moment, the angels sang. "HALLelujah! HALLelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, HalLEeeeelujah!"
My wife was calling.
Love those ringtones!
Interestingly enough, just after my original letter concerning bias in the school paper, this story was printed on the front page of the Arkansas Traveler (U of A school paper).
Headline: Kimple Hall is falling down
(Kimple Hall is the home of the journalism department... and the Arkansas Traveler)
Exerpts from the story:
"The journalism department might be headed for a crack-up - literally. Some offices in the journalism department are sinking because the grade of the slab on which that part of the building is based has settled, said Bob Beeler, associate director for design and construction. Officials with UA Facilities Management have known about the sinking for three months, and have tried to measure its progress by putting motion-monitoring devices on the cracks that have appeared in Kimpel, Beeler said. The movement stopped momentarily, and then began again three weeks ago, he said."We know it is a problem and we are on course to fix that," he said."
"The sinking could be caused by a dry summer, he said. A lack of moisture could have affected the soil on which the building is based."
The journalism department is sinking.
The foundation is crumbling.
Oh, the irony...
It looks like the U of A is truly concerned about giving us an all-around education. In what appears to be an opportunity to explore all career paths, the big sign in the student union reads:
"See what it is like to be homeless. Come learn how to build a cardboard house!"
I suppose if law doesn't work out, there's always...
Air conditioner salesmen in Alaska?
No, really.
The Inuit (Eskimos, as we called them in my day) are buying air conditioners! I'd like to shake that guys hand (except that it was probably Gore, so can I just pass on the hand shaking?).
According to Mr. Alister Doyle of Reuters, Monday, Aug 7, it is apparently so warm in Alaska that the Eskimos need an air conditioner. Reaching highs of 88, those fellows just can't stand it any longer. Check it out at this address:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060807/sc_nm/environment_warming_dc
In case it doesn't work, let me quote a little here:
"Better known for building igloos during hunts on the polar ice, Inuit in the village of Kuujjuaq in Quebec, Canada, are installing 10 air conditioners for about 25 office workers.
"These are the times when the far north has to have air conditioners now to function," said Sheila Watt-Cloutier, a leading campaigner for the rights of 155,000 Inuit in Canada, Alaska, Russia and Greenland.
"Our Arctic homes are made to be airtight for the cold and do not 'breathe' well in the heat with this warming trend," she said. Temperatures in Kuujjuaq, home to 2,000 people, hit 31 Celsius (88 Fahrenheit) in late July."
Mr. Alyster Doyle uses this as an example of the impending doom that is global warming. Also, there is some reference to my dear mission country of Norway, where some poor vendor is complaining about selling ice cream... or not selling ice cream today because... it is raining.
"Today we've sold almost nothing," said Miriam Eid Bergan, 20, working at an ice cream parlor in Oslo's main street and looking out the window as people hurried past in the rain. "When it's sunny the queue can stretch down the street."
Uh, am I missing something here? Who buys ice cream in the rain, anyway? So, is the fact that it is raining in Oslo the oh-so-sought-after hard evidence that SUV drivers in Texas are causing global warming? It seems I saw a few showers myself when I was there, and that was before the day of the SUV.
Well, not to spoil the ending to this story, but...
maybe the Eskimos didn't necessarily buy the a/c's for the cool air. Mr. Eskimo-Inuit-American-Canadian admits, down there at the bottom of the page, that they bought them more to keep the dust from coming in the open windows and getting all over their nice, new computers.
"Larry Watt, mayor of Kuujjuaq, said one reason for ordering air conditioners was to stop dust from outside blowing into computers. Before the municipality owned computers, the windows could be kept open in hot weather."
And as for Mr. Oslonian and his ice cream stand, it appears he purgered himself when he claimed to have such a long line on sunny days.
"And Bergan in the ice cream shop in Oslo said: "People are buying fewer ice creams here than five years ago ... Maybe they're buying somewhere else or they worry about eating so much sugar."
See, he, too, admits that maybe he overstated his position a little bit, and in the interest of full disclosure, people are really not buying his ice cream, because they don't like the sugar? or maybe they are buying it elsewhere? Or maybe they don't think it's quite hot enough to buy ice cream. Or maybe they don't buy from you because maybe you're a liar? Or maybe they have finally up and moved to America where we can still buy SUV's (if we want).
Or perhaps, they are on business trips... to sell air conditioners to the Eskimos.
